Blawg

Hi, blog!

I kind of hate you at the moment. And blogging. It is draining me. Blog blog blog blogblgobgoblgoblgbogbgoblgoblog. So I'm taking a break.

See you on the flipside, blog.

Peace, love, and naps,
Paul

Akira gets real

Looks like Akira is being made into a live-action film starring Leonardo DiCaprio. Please, Hollywood...just stop. Go read a book or something. Don't do this to one of my favorite mangas, a great anime. Just leave it alone. How about you go do a live-action Pokemon film starring Brad Pitt as Ash? I'd rather see that than this. Please, please, please. I'm begging you. Leave Tetsuo, Kaneda, and the gang alone.

EDIT: Oops. Turns out Leon's producing the movie, not starring in it. My bad. Not as annoyed now, but still somewhat bothered.

Tangent thoughts

This has been bothering me lately, but I'm not sure why, and I'm pretty sure no one else will know why either...

What happened to Tangent Online?

After being diligently run by Eugie Foster, Dave Truesdale came back in mid-September 2007 to reclaim his baby. Dismissed from her editing job, Foster strolled over to head up the revitalized Fix Online, where I now review short fiction and the like. There was no pressure to pick one site over the other or anything. Some said they'd stick with TO, others jumped ship and swam for a better fix (get it?), and a handful found it hard to side and chose to work for both review sites when the materials presented themselves. Fair is fair, but I've never dealt with Truesdale personally and only know what I do of him from online flamewars. So I went with the boss that I knew and trusted.

Within a month and some days, FO went live, downright swimmingly. The site has continued to publish reviews on a steady and excellent schedule, especially when one considers that this is a labor of love for reviewers, that their time and effort is spent because they know they have readers and a respectable place to post such thoughts. The site itself uses a Wordpress theme, looks very shiny, and does what it needs to do: get short fiction in people's faces. I'm fairly sure no one thought, "Gee, let's take five months to make the prettiest most elaborate site ever, that way when we post blocks and blocks of text it'll have a really nice border around it and people will love us dearly so!"

What has TO and company been up to since Truesdale's pillaging?

Nothing.

Not a single peep, unless you count an excuse-heavy post about what might or might not be happening in the future. Which is a shame, really. You ever have a friend that can kill a conversation immediately? That's what this feels like.

Truesdale says:

In all humility, Tangent and now TO changed the face of short sf/f reviewing for the *entire* field when it debuted in July/August 1993. That was almost 15 years ago. Even Locus, and then Locus Online changed demonstrably since Tangent came on the scene. Fact.

Okay, sure. Not arguing facts. But we're not living in the world that existed fifteen years ago. Things do need to be a bit speedier these days, and yes, there's irony there considering this is the publishing business and all, but come on. So long as the site is functional and not littered with Geocities ads then it is fine to continue posting reviews and such.

So much time has been wasted, so many missed opportunities, and for what? A little bit of "Mine! Mine! Mine!"

Thankfully, there is the Fix Online and even IROSF seems to have resurfaced. Sure, took longer than expected and it isn't completely finished, but they aren't worried about that. They want discussion, they want people's attention, they want to give something back. Not take it away.

Pleading from a cranky old man

Hi World and Everybody In It,

Please stop talking about the rise of the genre ezine. Just let sleeping dogs lie. Also, me thinks, it doesn't matter.

Thank you,
Paul

"Truth & Consequences" thoughts

Well, Heroes is still slowly getting a bit more interesting while retaining all the shtupid sludge that is teenage love drama, stolen comic books, and overly dramatic one-two lines that needed to be scrapped as soon as they were conceived. Still, things I liked:

• Sylar killed someone! He's always more watchable when he's most primal
• A woman keeping a shotgun in her peaceful garden
• Elle spilling her slurpie, classic n00b mistake when staking out prey
• Adam Monroe and that sneaky smile he wears with pride, how can you not like him
• Mr. Muggles, watching quietly in the distance as HRG's ashes are laid to ocean, all while continuing to plot the end of Claire's stalker boyfriend existence

Things that sucked like a vacuum:

• Um, the New Orleans chick? Does she even have a point? Her powers and storyline have absolutely nothing to do with the big arc, and frankly, she's kind of annoying. No one steals comic books anyway. Those thugs really wanted Micah's kickass Jansport backpack. Duh.
• Nikki. Please, please, please let her take a needle to the neck in this short season's finale "Powerless"
• Alejandro's one little moment of speaking English, used to show the audience that darn it he means business
• HRG and his silly whining
• This episode needed more Mr. Muggles
• Maya hooking up with a mother-killing mofo, that's just kind of creepy, even by Sylar standards

I'm interested to see just how much they squeeze in the season's finale episode but I doubt it'll be much to get excited about. Personally, they never need to tell me what happened to the New Orleans chick. Everybody knows that when you get taken away in a windowless van, you don't come back. Right? Though a showdown between Hiro and Peter is enough to keep me curiously guessing which two "heroes" will fall. I guess Alejandro wasn't a "hero." He fell with a knife in his chest and NO ONE CARES HA HA HA YOUR SISTER IS MORE IMPORTANT WONDER TWIN #2.

Meh, I just wasted too much time thinking about all this...

Heroes, what the eff

Oh, Heroes. You're turning into that kid in high school that surprised us all by graduating on time with strong marks only to drop out of college by the second semester. You started so strong--and I'm talking about Season One here--and then somewhere along the line you decided you'd rather focus on 7th Heaven cheerleader drama and whiny angst-laden characters that makes me want to brown-bag vodka at every meal. And way to strip Hiro of everything that made him watchable. I actually keep hoping for the best during the feudal Japan scenes, but it's becoming ever so bland...even with tonight's twist. See? I don't care, Heroes! You lost me. Not in the truest sense; I'm still going to watch every Monday, but you could kill everyone but Peter off and I'd be somewhat okay with that decision. That's never a good thing so, yeah, in that sense I'm gone.

The show's biggest fault is that they introduced too many characters and plots without fulfilling previous ones. And this has bogged the pace down considerably. The Wonder Twins have been running since the season started: boring. The Mimic Girl has done some mimicking while mainly being uninteresting: boring. Kristen Bell showed up looking all sassy and stuff to kill an Irish lad: okay, that wasn't boring, but she is one of the new "heroes" so she gets a mention. Oh, and Claire's creepy boyfriend. If I was interested in teen dramatics, I'd watch reruns of Gilmore Girls. It's just all such a letdown from the comic-themed, comic-paced awesomeness that was Season One, with a GREAT villain and a simple message of saving a cheerleader. Here, I don't even know what the focus is on. Parkman's father? The cure? The remaining paintings? Alcohol on school premises? SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME!

And if I see one more Bee Movie crapisode I'm going to drown myself in a vat of honey. Bee that, NBC. Bee that.

A crappy review

Well, Rolling Stone just went to the bathroom on Colbie Caillat's debut album, Coco.

Yes, her music is sunny and safe, but at least it's her music. Not some manufactured sludge that's been pampered and prodded into the most radio-friendly, three and a half minutes of snappy pop-slop that everyone and their mother seems to be jiving to nowadays. She's honestly talented and doing her own thing, and for that (for that!) she is slammed. I guess to really be respected and/or make it you need to be able to get in and out of rehab on a weekly basis, be cruder than crude, and not sing well or sing at all.

Gah. Now I'm annoyed.

Oi, Robot

So, I, Robot was on earlier today and I was half-watching it while taking care of my laundry. I'd already seen the film back in the theater when it was released in 2004. I believe I was a lot more forgiving back then about it then I am now. Maybe because now I've read more of Asimov's work or maybe because I don't like watching st00pid movies anymore. I give to you the Top 5 Reasons Why I, Robot is a Big Letdown:

5. It gives Isaac Asimov the finger. The film, suggested by an Asimov book, gives him credit only by using his Three Laws of Robotics, which are: Rule One) A robot can never harm a human. Rule Two) A robot must obey all human orders unless it conflicts with the first law. Rule Three) A robot must protect itself unless it conflicts with the first two laws. After that's quickly sped through at the beginning of the novel, the movie and Asimov split, rather harshly, with one hand on the wheel and the other out the window with a finger flexed.

4. A swift kick of violence. As is to be expected with Hollywood, if the original material source doesn't have a love story or an explosion in it then they'll stuff one into the script no matter what. Here though it comes across as forced. The evil robots (noticeable by their evil, glowing red lights) don't just restrain citizens. They knock them down, attack with kicks and shoves, pinning arms behind backs and knocking weapons out of hands without a care as to whether or not the wrist breaks. In Asimov's work, it is rare if a robot ever broke one of the Three Rules, and even if it had it never led to a mob mentality among other robots.

3. The robots of the future look boring. Plus, they're all thin. If you want robots that emote, make them overweight with bad knees. Make them really hairy and disfigured. Make them look unique. Here we are presented with hordes of gray-framed skeletons with perfect oval heads and beady eyes. No special skins, no different color schemes. Just a bunch of gray iPods that, for some reason, are really tall. How about we make them smaller in the future? You know, that way in case they rebel we can just kick them away?

2. V.I.K.I. is dafter than a doorbell. There's a scene towards the middle-end of the movie where Susan Calvin (blandly played by Bridget Moynahan) sneakily kills a fake robot when she's supposed to be terminating Sonny. Now, we're told that V.I.K.I. (Virtual Interactive Kinetic Intelligence) is the top notch of top-notch technology. Looks like a little hand magic is all that was needed to fool the program. How does that make sense? It doesn't. It's one of those nasty beasts that ruin films. Plot hole. A big, stinky plot hole that could hold a bajillion V.I.K.I.s.

1. Will Smith ain't prejudice. Cast in the lead role of Spooner, Smith has the task of hating robots. Fine, doesn't seem so hard. I mean he's been mean to aliens and Carlton a thousand times before. A few automatons should be no problem whatsoever. Except there's no mean slurs against robots. Calling them can openers and toasters really isn't that insulting. And Smith just doesn't give it his all. Pursed lips and emo-laden expressions are not enough to get me to understand that you hates the robots that ruined your life. I want language, I want fire burning behind eyes, I want prejudice like it exists today. Deep-seated and relentless. That's what could have saved this film, make it more than just a popcorn flick with action scenes, corny jokes, and painful bouts of exposition. Curse you, Will Smith, you toaster-hater!

Battlestar Galactica season finale?

To say that Battlestar Galactica has officially jumped the shark would be an insult to fish everywhere. Who knew that Bob Dylan played such an integral part in the Cylons' masterplan? Frak. I'm honestly disappointed.

Thank goodness no one can take away the miniseries and Season 1 from me. Now there's a show that was perfection, from beginning to end. Now, more like a mess of things. Some interesting, some notsomuch. "All Along the Watchtower," really? Really?

Frak.

Hate mail

Fact: The USPS hates science-horror.

Got my contributor copies (along with money! I like money!) for Apex Digest, #9 in the mail yesterday. I think I can safely say that I've never seen a package so beat up and trampled on before in all my times of going to and fro from the mailbox. This was a medium-sized envelope, probably around 8" X 11", and appeared to have been drop-kicked over a dozen times. There were black smudges everywhere, all four ends smushed and wrinkled worse than your grandmother after a solid three-hour soak in the tub. The envelope was also ripped open along its side; luckily, the magazines and my check did not fall out. I'm guessing that some chafed postal worker got curious, took a quick look at the type of fiction Jason Sizemore likes to buy, stuffed everything back inside the envelope, and felt the need to let his inner soccer player out.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

More Eragon hate

So, Eragon is coming out on DVD very soon (er, tomorrow actually) and all I can ask of humanity is that they not buy this film. Supporting such dribble only encourages more dribble. Seriously, do we need to see deleted scenes of boy wonder and his blue lizard scampering around Alagaesia/New Zeleand/Cheeseland. We don't. No one does. Not even that person you hate a lot, not them. This piece of dragon dung came out in theatres only a few months back and it's already releasing on DVD. I think the bigwigs behind the flick are trying to earn back some money--and as fast as possible. Do not buy this film. Instead, here are some things you can do with the twenty bucks you'd save:

• Wait and buy Pan's Labyrinth when it's released
• Pick up a jug of Bacardi's Long Island Rum
• Buy a goldfish or three
• Trick an old man into dancing for the money
• Clean socks are always a necessity
• Lots of Nyquil taken at five minute intervals is more fun than Eragon
• Strip club, for the fellas
  
• Shoe store, for the felines (er, females)
  
• Hire a bully to punch an idiot in the face, twice if they purchased Eragon
• Pick up the latest issue of Apex Digest; I promise you that the table of contents alone is better than anything Christopher Paolini could "imagine"
• Actually, so long as you spend that $20 on anything but the Eragon DVD you should feel pretty damn happy

Well, I feel better now. And in case any of you forgot what I thought about the movie, here's my review again.

Chill out

So, if you have two characters conversing in a futuristic world where science is always five steps ahead of humanity, do not have one of these genetically enhanced personas say "Take a chill pill!" as I will hate your book from that moment on and only look for things to hate on more and then you will know the wrath that is Paul, He Who Hates Stupid Stocky Phrases such as:

• Take a chill pill!
• Don't have a cow!
• Like, whatever!
• Yeah, girlfriend!
  
• Take a chill pill!

Also, since this atrocious phrase is being uttered in a future where cars fly, folks can see behind themselves using circling mirrored visors that also plays movies, and samurais cut people in half with powerized swords, I will begin to wonder what a chill pill actually is or could be. Like, is it a breath mint? Did you just tell someone to take a breath mind? I doubt it. Is it a pill that acts like an internal A.C. unit? Huh? Is it? See what your stupid characters are making me think about. I hate your book. Wrathful review forthcoming...

Off the cuff

Ron Moore and company can go frak themselves dumb. Frakking double frak.

This is a post about LOST

I only religiously watch three television shows: Battlestar Galactica, LOST, and The Office. One is window clear science fiction laden with drama, another merely a cast of dramatic characters in a real-world setting with science fictional things happening this way and that, which are supposed to be ignored or dismissed blindly, and the other is just damned funny.

Two of them I'm very happy with. Unfortunately, LOST has been more and more disappointing as each episode unfolds slowly and without resolution. I was very happy to hear that the execs are closing the show down at episode 100, which at least means the bloated beast will finally sink at some point, but until then it's just going to be irritating and in your face. LOST! Watch it tonight! People will shoot guns, and hey, yaneverknowwhomightgetshot (pan to .005 second shot of Sawyer maybe getting shot; this is in every episode preview).

I'd seriously forgotten about the show during its couple month hiatus, and don't get me wrong, I'm glad it's back on and I now have something to watch on Wednesday nights, but it keeps straying away from the characters that matter and making others nothing more that stiff stereotypes. So Michael kills two people and is allowed to leave the island, but the truly nice people who have just had unfortunate lives are stuck to suffer, linger, and make pouty faces? The producers of the show promise answers. Unfortunately, to get to those answers, everyone'll have to wade through the Ocean of What The Fucks, shivering at its surprising chill all while murmuring "What the fuck?" at every. thing. that. happens.

Can you tell that tonight's episode reminded me of why I can't stand LOST and yet at the same time I will watch it, watch it, and watch it until my eyes are dry enough to crack.

What the fuck?

Locus Recommended Reading 2006

Happy February!

Though this is being linked to by every blogger this side of Sunday, I'll also point folks in the direction of Locus Magazine's Recommended Reading for 2006. Lots of good books and short fiction listed there. I do wish though that small press markets could be even looked at, but it's a dog-eat-dog world and sadly they are left on the side of the road, panting heavily as cars drive on by. There are times that I think some stories from Farthing or Apex Digest or Abyss and Apex are far more illuminating than those printed in the Big Three.

And that's the end of me complaining over this matter.

Parlais vous?

Total of 18 critiques for "When It Burns, It Burns Like a Star" from Critters.

By far, my favorite one says this:

I'm assuming that English is not your first language, and that is the main problem here.

Huh? I'm pretty sure I've been speaking English all my life. Does this mean I suck at writing words in English? Probably, yes. Should I translate all my stories into French? Who knows. Others thought the story was excellent and my writing well-done.

I'm really surprised by the split of the critiques. They really are either for the story or against it. For my writing or against it. For my long title or against it.

I'm turning "When It Burns, It Burns Like a Star" into a novella. Hopefully, that should solve some problems. And no, I'm not taking English lessons.

I have a BA in Journalism for heaven's sake.
Sheesh.